Is anybody listening?

I don't know if anybody even reads my blog...? I always have lots to say but then I get on here and forget it all. (This was started last week and I'm just finishing it today!)



Let me get my rant out of the way first. I know Kamaya is only 5 weeks old so I shouldn't expect anything much. But I've been eating well and started jogging and doing some exercise DVDs. Well I also started birth control again and I gained 4 lbs! WTF. My current weight is the same I weighed 9 months pregnant with Kyliana! YOWZERS. And on top of it I look at myself in the mirror and think I look frumpy. I need to do something. I used to have such great self confidence, even after Ky I had a decent amount. Now I have zero. I hate what I look like and try to cover up as much as I can. I can no longer wear a bikini, I have to cover up my stretchmarks that are all over my belly AND thighs. So not only did I have to find a tankini top, but I also had to find a skirt to wear on the bottom. And on top of it I have people saying that I look tiny and all this. I appreciate the comments and all, but I don't like how I look. My thighs are huge, I could stand to get some inches off the waistline, not to mention the love handles...and my arms are turning into teacher's arms....did I say my thighs are huge? I don't mind having bigger thighs, but they're too big! And females, don't act like it's not all about the number on the scale. Would you believe I'm 40 lbs above my pre-ky weight? And while that was too thin for my liking, I would love to lose 20-30. It's hard freakin work. I'm currently in search of a sugar daddy to get me lipo haha! Vic said go for it.



Moving on, I'm sad. I'm not currently registered for any classes, so I am no longer eligible for the free counseling on campus for registered students :(. So this means I have to go to a new counseling center covered by my insurance. That's no big deal...but that means I have to start from scratch with someone new. I have to start my story all over again. It's taken almost a year to tell it to my current counselor, whom I loved by the way. But the good part about this is that I have someone to give me refills of my meds. My midwife wrote my RXs before but I need someone who can monitor them and be able to take my dosage up or down, or even switch meds if need be. By the way, if you don't get counseling, I totally recommend it.



Kamaya is already 5 weeks old. It's flown by. I go back to work June 15th! She's growing well. We had a home nurse visit (the last of them!) monday and she kept saying how smart and strong she was...well who would expect anything less from my child ;).

Here is how her growth has been:

birth- 8lbs 2 0z

6 days old-7lbs 11 oz

16 days-8 lbs 10oz

20 days-8lbs 13 oz

1 month- 9 lbs 10oz

1 mo, 1 week-9lbs 14 oz

She has her next appointment on the 4th of June. Her first round of vaccines. She'll be a week shy of 2 months old, but whatever! Her fussiness has gotten better. She usually only has one super fussy gas fit a day, which is a lot better than before. I'm also finally feeling like I'm getting some help. Ky on the other hand is declining in the behavior department, but we're working on getting that figured out!

I'm a bit sad. I've been seeing my counselor for about a year now. She works in the campus counseling center and it's free for registered students...however I'm no longer registered until the fall, so I can't see her anymore. We're having a wrap up session later today and I'm done. So I guess I have to start all over again with a new counselor. But at least I can have someone to write prescriptions for refills. I highly recommend seeing a counselor...especially if you're taking antidepressants. Medication alone helps a bunch, but you wouldn't believe how much seeing a counselor helps too. I was going through withdrawals when I hadn't seen her for 5 weeks and now I'm not going to see her anymore. She's not sure if she'll be there in the fall either. BOO! I need her the most right now with all the sperm donor BS going on!

Random stuff about me

1. I love to talk about myself, it's so easy! And I'm a pretty open and honest person.

2. I'm extremely impatient and I think it's gotten worse since having Kyliana

3. I feel like the SD is the source of most of my depression and anxiety issues, but when my counselor suggested I bring him in to talk I said "no way!" I don't want him to know the effect he has on me because he might get satisfaction out of it.

4. If you asked me 5 years ago I would say there was no chance in the world Vic and I would be in a relationship...ever.

5. As much as I love being an independent person, I think Vic has spoiled me to the point that I don't know if I could make it on my own if anything happened between us. I was not like that before him, I'd never accept help from anybody aside from my mother occasionally or admit I need help...but I just can't afford to live like I do on my own!

6. I love Kyliana the most when she's sleeping because that's when I reflect on the day and realize I take her for granted, or that's when I watch shows with children in them (happy or sad, doesn't matter) and realize she's such a great child.

7. I am one of the laziest people I know. I will sit around and watch tv all weekend and then feel bad about it sunday night because I've wasted my life away when I could be doing something productive. I even hate to get up to pee sometimes!

8. I can't wait to own my own home someday!

9. I never feel like I'm organized enough and every time I move to a new place I vow I will be...but every time I get a new place I have more space to put more stuff in, so it's just a bad cycle.

10. I was extremely depressed when I found out I was pregnant with a girl. But now that Kamaya is here I'm so freakin glad she's not a boy. And now I'm not sure if I still want a boy in the future!

11. I can honestly say I don't have any real friends aside from my online friends. I've never had anybody over to my house except for my parents. And I don't ever have a "girls night". If I'm not out with Vic and/or the girls, I'm by myself. I have never had a lot of friends because I pretty much suck at making them. I've never been fond of girls and a lot of guys aren't your friend after they realize you won't sleep with them.

12. I'm a huge picture whore. I love taking them. I also love showing them to people. And I love taking Ky to get hers done "professionally" and I think it's going to be worse now with two kids. Kyliana had her pics taken at 1 mo, 6 months, halloween (7mos), twice for Christmas (9 mos), Valentines day (11 mos) and her birthday all in her first year. After that PP closed so I didn't get 50% off pro pics. Now I feel guilty because I won't have nearly as many pics of Kami.

13. Sometimes I still get a tiny bit jealous when a guy I really liked in the past is in a very happy relationship with someone else. It always makes me wonder what I did wrong.

14. I love to buy stationary though I rarely use it. I also love to buy gift wrapping supplies though I rarely use that either except for Christmas.

15. I hate to shower. I force myself to do it every other day, but I hate the cold feeling I get when I get out...that and the dry skin thing-especially in the winter.

16. I have been dreading my birthdays since after I turned 21. I felt like there was no more big birthdays that I'd want to celebrate ( like 50 is big, but I don't want to be 50) and I hadn't had a fun birthday in years. So now when my birthday comes around I get a little sad...but I'm only 24 so I know I shouldn't feel like that!

17. I have a pretty low work ethic. I hate working and thought that finding a job at something I want to do would change that...but even now I dread going to internship. I also loved being a photographer but hated all the rules of taking pictures and selling them that I had to follow so I didn't like going to picture people. I wish I didn't have to work but don't think I would have the patience (or structured schedule) to stay at home with Ky and Kamaya all day.

18. I'm not a people person...most people just annoy the hell out of me.

19. I get homesick and always have. I used to be afraid of thunderstorms too and if spending the night at a friends house during a storm, I'd fake illnesses so I could go home. I also would get sad when my mom left me at my grandmother's house for a weekend or a week. Even now I love being around my mom but can't take staying away from home for too long.

20. I wouldn't trade my life for anything...but I miss the days where I was single and child-less. I had spontaneous fun and didn't get stressed out by boyfriends. (not to mention I was happy with my body-entirely). And I wasn't depressed.

21. Vic and I are singing songs from old Nickelodeon shows...TV just ain't the same these days!

22. I have never flown on a plane. And I've hardly traveled at all, though I'd like to.

23. I've also never been drunk. I've tried but I usually fall asleep after two drinks. I'm not sure if that's psychological or what.

24. I seriously think my kid is the smartest, most beautiful 3 year old ever! I know that's part of my job description, but I really do believe it. I don't go anywhere with her without her getting at least one compliment. They're usually about her hair of course ;) And now Kamaya is getting all sorts of compliments...mostly about her hair too!

25. I'm a serial mover...but I just signed a new lease...this is the first time I've stayed somewhere for more than one year!

26. I used to be obsessed with athletic shoes. I'd buy a new pair every month or two. Now I haven't bought a new pair in over a year.

27. I want to lose weight and have a goal weight in mind...but I don't do diets and can't stop eating chocolate and other sweets. I'm really determined to do it, but not confident that I can.

28. When my mom and stepdad first got together I didn't really get along with him...but now I totally regret that. I also hate myself for not letting Kyliana call him "grandpa". I miss him more every day!

29. I'm so ADD! And I can't remember anything!

30. I don't think I'll ever move out of Ohio. I don't LOVE it here, but I can't be any further away from my mom than I am now. I want my grandkids to be closer to their grandma than I was to mine!

They say you can't spoil a newborn

and I think "they" are lying. Seriously. I'm so in love with Kamaya that I held her all the time. That's one thing I regret about Ky. I don't think I held her enough. I was young and in the middle of the end of my college career, so I was busy. Plus the fact that I was single. Anyhow, so I hold Kami ALL the time. This child won't sleep in her crib, won't sleep more than 10 minutes in her swing or bouncy chair, etc. She wants to lay with me. Vic hardly holds her (in the rare instance that he's home), he's quick to put her in the swing. He insisted on buying this new swing, it's like his dream swing...so I guess to him that justifies wanting to put her in there all the time. Whatever.

So I'm afraid that I might not ever get this child to sleep in her crib (which she is doing right now, knock on wood) once I can get her to sleep longer stretches. Since day one she's been a busy sleeper, always moving and making noises. But her and Ky share a room and she's waking Ky up a lot...which I hate because Ky gets cranky like her mom. It's rather frustrating. Not that I don't love holding her and letting her sleep on me...I just can't get anything done! I tried putting her in a sling and she didn't care much for it. I have the snugli carrier thing and used that at the carnival at Ky's school and Kami was pretty good in it...it's just a lot of work to get her in and out of it. But I suppose that's not a real excuse. I keep it in my car in case I need it while I'm out, but maybe I'll have to try to use that more often.

Kami is just a bit more needy as a baby than Ky was...which wouldn't be a problem if Kami was my only kid. But now I have a needy toddler who is desperate for attention so much that she's seeking it in any form-especially negative. And I want so badly to spend time alone with just her, but I don't have the chance very often. I know that everyone with more than one kid says she'll adapt...but I need to adapt too. I spend the days alone with Kami...and will until June 18th when she starts daycare. Ky got 3 years of me to herself and Kami won't get 3 months...but she doesn't throw tantrums about it...so it's Ky that I have to worry about.

Anyhow, I have faith that it will get easier, especially when Kami starts sleeping longer...and when this coaching job is over for Vic (couple weeks!) and he doesn't have matches 4 evenings during the week and tournaments on the weekend.