Is anybody listening?

I don't know if anybody even reads my blog...? I always have lots to say but then I get on here and forget it all. (This was started last week and I'm just finishing it today!)



Let me get my rant out of the way first. I know Kamaya is only 5 weeks old so I shouldn't expect anything much. But I've been eating well and started jogging and doing some exercise DVDs. Well I also started birth control again and I gained 4 lbs! WTF. My current weight is the same I weighed 9 months pregnant with Kyliana! YOWZERS. And on top of it I look at myself in the mirror and think I look frumpy. I need to do something. I used to have such great self confidence, even after Ky I had a decent amount. Now I have zero. I hate what I look like and try to cover up as much as I can. I can no longer wear a bikini, I have to cover up my stretchmarks that are all over my belly AND thighs. So not only did I have to find a tankini top, but I also had to find a skirt to wear on the bottom. And on top of it I have people saying that I look tiny and all this. I appreciate the comments and all, but I don't like how I look. My thighs are huge, I could stand to get some inches off the waistline, not to mention the love handles...and my arms are turning into teacher's arms....did I say my thighs are huge? I don't mind having bigger thighs, but they're too big! And females, don't act like it's not all about the number on the scale. Would you believe I'm 40 lbs above my pre-ky weight? And while that was too thin for my liking, I would love to lose 20-30. It's hard freakin work. I'm currently in search of a sugar daddy to get me lipo haha! Vic said go for it.



Moving on, I'm sad. I'm not currently registered for any classes, so I am no longer eligible for the free counseling on campus for registered students :(. So this means I have to go to a new counseling center covered by my insurance. That's no big deal...but that means I have to start from scratch with someone new. I have to start my story all over again. It's taken almost a year to tell it to my current counselor, whom I loved by the way. But the good part about this is that I have someone to give me refills of my meds. My midwife wrote my RXs before but I need someone who can monitor them and be able to take my dosage up or down, or even switch meds if need be. By the way, if you don't get counseling, I totally recommend it.



Kamaya is already 5 weeks old. It's flown by. I go back to work June 15th! She's growing well. We had a home nurse visit (the last of them!) monday and she kept saying how smart and strong she was...well who would expect anything less from my child ;).

Here is how her growth has been:

birth- 8lbs 2 0z

6 days old-7lbs 11 oz

16 days-8 lbs 10oz

20 days-8lbs 13 oz

1 month- 9 lbs 10oz

1 mo, 1 week-9lbs 14 oz

She has her next appointment on the 4th of June. Her first round of vaccines. She'll be a week shy of 2 months old, but whatever! Her fussiness has gotten better. She usually only has one super fussy gas fit a day, which is a lot better than before. I'm also finally feeling like I'm getting some help. Ky on the other hand is declining in the behavior department, but we're working on getting that figured out!

I'm a bit sad. I've been seeing my counselor for about a year now. She works in the campus counseling center and it's free for registered students...however I'm no longer registered until the fall, so I can't see her anymore. We're having a wrap up session later today and I'm done. So I guess I have to start all over again with a new counselor. But at least I can have someone to write prescriptions for refills. I highly recommend seeing a counselor...especially if you're taking antidepressants. Medication alone helps a bunch, but you wouldn't believe how much seeing a counselor helps too. I was going through withdrawals when I hadn't seen her for 5 weeks and now I'm not going to see her anymore. She's not sure if she'll be there in the fall either. BOO! I need her the most right now with all the sperm donor BS going on!