Sigh...

I cannot wait for December 19th. I am so ready to be done with this stress and move on to some new stress...Haha! I know the stress is inevitable. It's a super long confusing story, but I found an internship placement. For the licensure board, I have to have a licensed school counselor as my supervisor who fills out my paperwork. The elementary school I'm at has a licensed social worker in the counselors position. BUT a 5th grade teacher there has her counseling license and agreed to fill out my paperwork. What was odd to me was that after asking several times, she'd never answer me about the name of the counselor or if I should speak with her. We met up and she told me she was going to leave the counselor out....again, odd. Well, the counselor found this out and got upset (overly if you ask anybody else besides her). So after thinking I secured an internship, I was faced with the fear that it wouldn't work out. But it did and I'll start with her on Wednesday! I've got 65 direct hours to go (face-to-face contact with students or parents) and 140 indirect (anything else related). The direct are the big ones. I've got about 5 weeks to get em done. Included in that is 3 days off for Thanksgiving break and 2 days off for parent teacher conferences. I can do it though!! Nothing is going to stop me from graduating in December. Then I'll try to plan to take my Praxis II (licensure exam) in January I think. I can take it January 9th or March 13th. I'm shooting for the Jan one. It costs me $130 to take it, so I'll have to hope for Christmas or graduation money to fund this. When I took the GRE (the test you have to take prior to getting into graduate school) I was able to get a fee waiver because I'm poor...but they assume grad students have money. That's the only explanation for charging us more tuition, don't you think? Ha.

I just found out on saturday that we will no longer be receiving childcare assistance. Sad. Very sad. Fortunately we have to pay only $25/week per kid. However, I have no income so I can't afford to pay anything! Ugh. Vic said "well, we need to find you a job". I cannot put off finishing internship when I'm thisclose to being done with it. That and how in the hell will I find any non-retail job willing to work with my internship hours, daycare hours and Vic's work hours. Not.gonna.happen. Duh.

Anyhow, The girls are doing great. Kyliana has been on good behavior in school. For a while she was laughing at and ignoring her teacher when she was asked to do something. Now she'll get computer time for good behavior. This child is computer obsessed. NOT a good thing! But she can type her name very well. I didn't use computers in school until I was in 9th grade! Now they have computers in every classroom in pre-k! Nuts. Makes me feel even older. I dread the day Kyliana has to show me how to do something!

Kamaya is a scooting machine. It's weird to see how different my kids are/were. Kyliana couldn't even sit up on her own until about this age. Kamaya has been doing it since 5 months old. Kyliana got around by rolling and rolling and rolling. Kamaya is scooting. You can tell Kami wants so badly to be mobile. I think she'll be the one who works on mobility before her verbal skills. Ky was the other way around. That child could have a 5 minute conversation with you at 18 months old. She was also making a lot more clear word sounds at Kami's age. Kamaya hardly makes any. I predict that Kamaya will be the social, outgoing, into all sports kind of girl and Kyliana the shy, introverted, girly sports (if any). I could be way off with the sports thing, but I can almost promise you Kyliana will continue to be the shy girl and Kamaya will turn into the outgoing one. Ky is so much like me and Kam so much like Vic. He's the happy, talkative, social guy and I'm the depressed, shy, stay at home girl.
I'm in NO rush to find out how these girls will turn out though. I wish time would slow down.

Tact

Do people have any tact? Seriously?! I understand that you don't vaccinate your children. While I disagree with your choice, they're YOUR children, so if they get sick, that's on you. It's quite a fair assumption to think that if you don't get the recommended vaccines for your child, it's pretty likely, almost guaranteed, that you won't get flu vaccinations for your child. Some of us choose to. Yes, I research things before I do them, very much so. Why can't you be tactful when giving others information, or, perhaps, find unbiased, objective information so other grown adults can make decisions for their children. I guess the point of a debate is to provide information supporting your stance, but the purpose of a message board is to provide objective information so that mom's can have help making decisions for their families!

http://www.indianexpress.com/news/h1n1-vaccine-data-shows-no-side-effects/517204/

http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/doctors-next-door/2009/08/-swine-flu-panic.html

http://www.cdc.gov/h1n1flu/vaccination/public/vaccination_qa_pub.htm

http://www.usnews.com/blogs/mary-kate-cary/2009/10/08/of-course-children-should-get-the-h1n1-vaccine.html

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1918743,00.html

http://www.flu.gov/myths/index.html

http://journals.ohiolink.edu/ejc/pdf.cgi/Deem_Michael_W.pdf?issn=17410126&issue=v22i0009&article=543_terohiawatve


http://scintilla.nature.com/node/744610

I can provide links for my side too! Imagine that!

Happenings

I felt the need to update, though nothing significant has happened around here. I don't think anyways.

We had a WIC appointment. Kyliana was 41 3/4" tall and 39lbs 6 oz. Which they finally said is a healthy weight and not borderline overweight or at-risk for being overweight. Nice. I think they just look at me as a young, low-income mom and assume that I feed my child a bad diet. Which is not the case at all. But considering you have to be lower-income to get WIC, I think it's a general assumption for all recipients. Anywho, Kamaya measured 25 3/4" tall and 16lbs 8 oz. However, that was with her clothes and diaper on. She has her 6 month appointment tomorrow, so I'll have a more accurate weight # for her.

Both girls are doing well. Kamaya is eating baby foods now. She's a fan of most foods except peaches. They smell bitter, so I know they have to be bitter. I probably could try them myself and find out, but they look yucky! Ky is still having some issues with school and drop off. I don't know what to do with her. We have a conference Nov 6th with her teachers, so maybe we can brainstorm some new ideas. Her teacher just had a baby, but has been out of her classroom and acting as the sub since this semester started. She's probably having issues with that as well as her current teacher leaving earlier for class. She's doing very well in her dance class. I asked the teacher how it works as far as age and the class they can be in. There's 2-3 year old class and a 4 year old class. Ky won't be 4 til March, but she's so much bigger and well-behaved compared to most of the girls in her class. I didn't know if the teacher would switch her over in the winter or what, so I asked. She'll stay in 2-3 year old class. I guess that's good because when recital comes next summer, she should look pretty good out there. But I feel like she's out of place. She goes to preschool with 4 and 5 year olds. She's one of the 3 youngest in her class. She's well-behaved for other people. Not once has she gotten up out of her place, out of turn. Nearly every other child has. Ahh I need to shut up. I don't want to sound like I think my child is better than the others, I'm just sayin!

Kamaya is scooting. You can tell she wants so badly to keep up with her sister. She can't stand being immobile. I can! I am SO not ready for her to move around. Time to re-baby proof.

Yesterday we walked with the daycare in the homecoming parade. The daycare is on the school's campus and serves students, staff, faculty and alumni only, however are not funded by university (we're trying to change that!), so that allows us to walk in the parade. It's fun throwing candy out to the kids. Ky actually threw some this year, she did great. Kamaya just hung out in the stroller. She loves it outdoors. The past 2 years we've walked in the parade and go to Red Robin afterwards, so we stuck with that tradition. We braved the cold to go to the football game. Though it started at 7 and we all ended up napping til 7! Whoops! It didnt' feel as cold as I thought it would, so I was slightly overprepared. But UT lost terribly and we left after the 3rd quarter. It was a decent time though.

We decided to use our WIC produce coupons to buy pumpkins this year. The hayrides are fun, but you pay an arm and a leg for pumpkins and the hayride, so we just got them from a farmer's market this year. We each got big ones for carving, including one for Kamaya, and then 3 small ones for decoration. Well, the squirrels got the two smallest all eaten up. Then yesterday we discovered Ky's pumpkin missing. Turns out, someone took it off our porch and smashed it in the road in front of the neighbors house. I hate living here sometimes....OK more often than not!

I believe I may be starting internship. I don't want to jinx it, but I'm pretty sure I found a spot at the alternative learning and career center out here. Not my ideal population (because I prefer the elementary kids), but I will certainly benefit from it. I'm hoping to do it 3 whole days and maybe 2 half days. I have to keep some time open for appointments and I'll have to take the girls to school Tues and Thurs, so I can work afternoons only those days. I only have 67 hours for direct, and 150 indirect-but those are much easier to get-so if I even get 15 direct hours a week, I should be done well before the end of the semester. Hallelujah.

I've decided to say screw work. It's not important right now and not worth stressing about fitting into my schedule. I'll worry about that after graduation!

My birthday is Friday. I'll be a quarter of a century. BOO. I used to get excited about birthdays. I'm too young not to be excited, but I feel older than I am. I've got 2 kids, I have a right to feel older haha. Halloween is coming up. I'm so excited. I just love getting costumes for my kids. Kyliana is going to be a princess, naturally. She wanted to be everything she saw but I wanted to somehow tie the girls costumes in together. I found a unicorn costume for Kamaya, so Ky got to be a princess. I almost did Ky as Ariel and Kamaya as Flounder, but they didn't have her size. My mom may be coming out here for halloween, and I'm super excited :) She hasn't been out here since Kamaya was born!

ARGH!!

First, I want to continue my untitled post. People suck. Lindsey sent me this cool book exchange thing. I wanted to participate but part of me thought that I couldn't find 6 people to send this on to. I debated telling her I couldn't do it...but I decided to give it a shot. Do you know how many people came up with BS excuses about why they couldn't do it?! Some said they couldn't afford books...but you only have to purchase one. You can get a book from Walmart for cripes sake! I paid less than $10 for the book, shipping and postage for the 6 letters. $10 for (hopefully) 36 books for your kid...come on! Then I heard several people say that their child(ren) has too many books already. WTF! You can never have too many books for your child. Seriously. Books are more valuable than toys, honestly. But I finally found some wonderful women on my mom's forum who were game as well as a mom from daycare and my cousin. So hopefully everyone pulls through because it was voluntary ;). Don't be mad when my kid can read better than yours!

Now, after all the crap about childcare assistance I dealt with over the summer, I thought I would be good to go. Turns out I was wrong. I got a phone call today...on the bright side if I still qualify for it, I have a new caseworker who actually called me with an issue, which my former one did not. Anyhow, she told me that they only will count up to 144 credit hours of school. Vic changed his major twice and apparently has more than that. I guess because they thing that you can "logically" get a job with a Bachelors degree, that "logically" you can get a degree before you hit 144 credit hours. Whatev. And we "work" (I say it like that because I no longer have a job) opposite days-him M, W, F and me T, Th. Fabulous. However if I get a letter from my nonexistant internship supervisor, they may be able to approve us for something. My hope is to have on by the end of the week or I'll try to beg my internship prof to write something up for me. I don't care if we are only approved for 5 hours...all we need is approval. If we were only approved for a part time hours, the difference we would have to pay in order to be full time would be covered by the grant from the daycare. If we aren't approved, we would only have to pay $25/week per child because of the grant. Honestly I'm not upset because $200/mo is much better than $1600/mo, but with me not working, I'd like to keep from spending as much money as possible. Sigh....

The good, the bad and the ugly

I'm proud of myself. I don't talk about it, but I have a problem picking at my skin. I have compulsive skin picking disorder AKA Dermatillomania. I've never admitted it to anybody but Vic, though my mom knows I pick my skin as well, until now. I had an annual mole check at my dermatologists office and brought it up to her. She praised me for my honesty and I told her it was time I dealt with it. I don't want to avoid tank tops and shorts next summer. It's gotten worse since Kamaya has been born. The derm said it may help to get rid of the bumps. The bumps are called Keratosis pilaris. They're just bumps that typically appear on the upper arms, shoulders and thighs. They rarely itch. But apparently it's an exfoliation issue. Though, I've tried exfoliators to no avail. The derm prescribed me some lotion that I pray helps me. I've done fairly decent at controlling myself at picking since I decided to be more conscious and try to stop myself (a week ago). So, wish me luck with that.

I'm happy I got a new daycare caseworker. I just found that out today. However, there's some issues that may cause us to lose daycare, YET AGAIN! I'm trying not to be pissed about it. We do have the grant from daycare to fall back on. If we don't qualify for assistance at all, we would pay $25/week for childcare (which is fantastic still when you compare that to $360/week!!!). However, even if we are only approved for 5 hours, the grant will pay everything. So we just need to be approved for ANYTHING we can be to avoid paying anything at all. With me not working and Vic not having time to work many hours due to school, it'd be much better to avoid the $200/mo. But we shall see how this turns out.

Kamaya is now rolling onto her belly. She used to hate being on her tummy and that's why I assumed she rolled belly-to-back so early. Well now she hates being on her back so she rolls every time I set her down on her back. I think it's because she wants to get mobile to keep up with her sister. She's trying SO hard to sit up from lying down. She's constantly flexing those ab muscles trying to sit, especially while on the changing table. Too cute. I love her.

Kyliana had her first playdate without mommy on Saturday. Her and her friend Gabbey went over to their friend Tulia's house. There was a festival where they bounced in a bouncy house and got their faces painted. Needless to say, Kyliana did NOT want to leave. So we will definitely be doing that again soon. I love her :)

I feel like people let me down a lot. I guess I thought people at my job would fight to keep me there. It's rather disappointing. Nobody cares that I got let go. In fact, two of the fulltimers were trying to justify my former boss' decision by saying it's probably because I leave in December (if I graduate, which may not happen now because my internship isn't working out right either). I guess you'd think it'd be better to have a GOOD worker whom you'll have to replace in December, rather than someone who just texts and talks on their phone all day at work. WTF! I don't know why I ever think people are my friends. It's constant let-downs. No wonder my social life is non-existant.

If you haven't figured out by now...I haven't found a job either. Nor an internship :( ARGH

Diet burn out

I didn't know you could get this. Seriously I've not had to try to lose weight til I had kids. After I had Ky I couldn't stick to a diet, so I never got to this stage. Now, I've been doing it for 3.5 months and I'm tired of it. I'm so close to my first goal weight and I hear the last few lbs are the hardest to lose. Ain't that the truth. I feel like this diet has helped me change my lifestyle. I mean, I make much better food choices now, and have worked immensely on my portion control. So I think a short break will be in order. I'm on my period anyways, so that will probably skew my results anyhow....right??? ;)

Pessimism

I'm a pessimist. I don't know if I've always been like this, but I know for certain I am now. Most likely I've always been but not as bad as I am now. I guess that could relate a lot to my depression. I always said I'm a realist. I am realistic because I look at reality and not try to tell myself things will be better when I don't believe that. But really, there's optimism and pessimism and I am the latter.



Anywho, you should know by now that I've lost my job. I've also lost the internship I believed I had secured. And today I got the dreaded letter from job and family services saying it's time to prove my income and need for daycare. Well, I guess I don't have any now. So there's a large chance I will lose my daycare assistance. I can't help but wonder why all of this keeps happening to me. Seriously, let's spread the BS out among everyone instead of condensing them to me and other unlucky pessimists. Interesting article http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/talking_point/3625145.stm
Yes, I was born in October...ironic?

Really though, I'm working on trying to deal with this pessimism and change it, but honestly it's hard. I don't have enough positivity at one time for me to believe that it can happen and that I can change my outlook. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm blessed with two beautiful healthy children, a great man, and my own health. But I could do without all this other stuff. I especially could do without this cancer crap that's ruining my family. I would also like to be able to actually graduate because Lord knows I can't afford another semester of tuition and barely working so I can fit my internship in.

Life is insanely busy and a job that will work around that will be hard to come by :( That's not going to stop me from trying, but will certainly stop me from being positive about it. You'd think this would be easier to work on because I'm aware that it's a problem for me. SIGH....

What's been going on

So I splurged on myself and bought a pole. They are rather expensive...well for the good kind anyways. It's a spinning pole...not stationary. When they don't spin, the workout is all you. When they do spin you have help and it looks prettier. I'm loving having my own pole. I'm going to be sad when I move out of Toledo and away from Paulette's. Her class is awesome, I couldn't learn this stuff from a DVD. OK enough of that.

My baby (the bigger one) tuned 3 1/2 on the 7th. Gosh I can't believe it. We're halfway to her 4th birthday. It's insane how fast this has gone, and depressing too. I went to pick her up from school and they were out on the playground. I just walked around looking at all the things she and her classmates have done recently. The teachers have to follow the ohio standards of course, and post what they've done on the wall and what standard(s) it's meeting thanks to NCLB. Ky "wrote" a story...she told the story to her teacher who wrote it for her and then drew a picture for it. I read it and it almost brought tears to my eyes...not because it was sad or even about anybody real...but because SHE made this story up. As much sense as it didn't make it was still quite good! It's called "The Palace". Very cute. Ky also was made "Frog of the Week". Her classroom is called the Frogs. She wrote her own name on top and had to answer some questions about herself. Her favorite thing to do at home is play with blocks with mommy :) I love her beyond belief. I seriously wish I could sit in the observation room (a room with a two-way mirror) and watch her ALL day. Today she asked me "would it be possible for you to get me a snack?" Haha! And she told me that Kamaya is too young to have manners. Hopefully Kami gets manners just like her sister!

Ky had her first dance class on Thursday. They do everything, tap, tumbling, jazz, etc. It's at the same place she had her birthday party. The classes are organized by age, and hers is 2-3 year olds. Seriously, I think she needs to be in the 4 year old class. She spends time with 4 and 5 year olds all day at school. She follows directions well. In fact, she seemed to be the 2nd oldest in the class (the other girl looked about 5!!) and they were the only 2 who didn't get up out of turn and run around all over the place. I was proud. My lazy butt needs to upload the pics!

Kamaya turned 5 months old yesterday. It's insane :( I feel like I want another baby now because she's already so big. It's funny too because lately so many people-mostly strangers-have said we need to have 3 more babies because ours are so beautiful. Vic says 1 more. I don't know if I'll be ready to shut down the baby factory, but time will tell. Anywho, Kamaya is still rolling belly to back and working on back to belly. Funny thing is she will not roll on the floor when Vic is watching! It's like she doesn't want him to know. I have it on video but he's never seen her do it in person. He's seen her do it on the bed, but not the flat hard floor. She also sits up VERY well and started doing that a week or two ago. She is honestly the happiest baby I've ever seen. She just loves to watch Ky. She could be crying and Ky would laugh and Kam would stop crying and smile. Just looking at Ky makes her smile. I hope they love each other and are extremely close their whole lives!

For those of you who are keeping up with things...my mom had surgery on Wednesday. The surgery went well and hopefully she can worry less about all these things for a while. She had her thyroid removed so she'll be on medication for that forever. I love my mom so much. This has probably been the worst year for her ever. She has been through way too much this year, poor woman. But I hope that things just get better from here on out! Thanks for the thoughts and prayers for her :)

Also, I have lost 18.5 lbs so far on my diet. I'm proud of myself, but I'm so burnt out from this diet. I'm sick of it. I want to eat normal food. I allow myself leeway on the weekends, especially when we're not at home. I maintain well. I'm 4.5lbs away from my first goal. After a month or so on this diet I added another 5 lbs to my goal to lose. So I'm 9.5lbs away from that. I've decided I'm done by my birthday. So about 5 more weeks left. I've gained a bit of self confidence back. I showed before and after pictures on my moms forum and they all said they could see a huge difference.

Speaking of my moms forum...get on there. We need some new members, it's gotten quiet with all the new babies taking up the mom's time so they sign on less. It's http://www.supermomsonline.org/ and you can click on the forums tab. You have to be a member to see photos and such. Seriously, it's a fantastic place and I love it. It started as a different forum (pregnant online). I joined right after I got my BFP (big fat positive) with Ky, so July of 2005. It shut down in October 07 and a computer-savvy member started Supermoms and there I am, 4 years later. Seriously...join!

With all good comes bad

This is my life. Anytime something good happens or I'm happy about the way things are going, something ruins it.

For example...My girls are on subsidized child care. I pay a copay based on the household income and Job and family services (JFS) pays the rest. The accountant at daycare stopped me and asked if Vic was undergrad and I said he was. Then she asked if he got a Pell grant, and if he did they have a grant through the school that will pay our copay for us. Turns out he did and starting next month, it will pay our daycare fees. Awesome.

Then today I was taking a break to eat my lunch and my boss said when I'm done she wanted to talk to me. She told me that due to the budget cuts, she's over budget by exactly the same number of hours I'm working. See, last week she asked us all to figure out where we could cut some hours. There's 4 student workers there. The other 3 all gave up a day. I only work 2 days and the least amount of hours so I didn't give anything up. I've also been there the longest, like over a year longer than the second, and two years longer than the other two girls. Anyhow, so basically she told me she hated to do it but she had to let me go. Me...the highest in seniority and the only one with children to take care of. This means, I'll lose my daycare assistance all together come October...that is, unless I find another job. And that job would have to work around my school, internship, and daycares hours. BOOOO! I'm trying not to worry about it at this point and just take things as they come. Two of my non-student coworkers whom I told are pissed. They said they're going to rally for me. If it doesn't work, oh well. But they don't think it's fair. And I can't imagine many other people would either. I don't get why me.

My mom has surgery on Wednesday. She asked me not to talk about whats going on though because she doesn't want her business out there. Anybody who does so, could you just shoot up a prayer that she'll recover quickly? Thanks!

Vaccinate your kids DAMMIT!

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/02/12/campbell.brown.vaccine/index.html#cnnSTCText

CNN's Campbell Brown urges parents to get their children vaccinated against the measles.

What I am about to say, I know, is controversial. And I know that a lot of people are going to disagree with me. But as a mother, with a second child on the way, I believe this is vital to the safety of our children and must be said.
The verdict is in. There is no connection between vaccines and autism. And it is time that all of us get our children vaccinated.
In 2008, the United States had the highest measles rate in 10 years. An increasing number of parents have been refusing to vaccinate their children against measles because of this fear of a connection.
It is not grounded in science. There is no evidence to support it.
Major medical groups and government research are unanimous: the measles vaccine is safe, and you must get your children vaccinated; because if you don't, you are endangering my children. You are endangering your neighbor's children. You are endangering all of our children. Watch Campbell Brown's plea to parents »
A baby needs to be 12 months to get the measles vaccine. That means that infants are protected from the measles only because everyone they come in contact with, we hope, has already been vaccinated. Infants hide in the herd of other vaccinated people.
'No Bias. No Bull'
Tonight Campbell Brown and CNN senior medical correspondent Elizabeth Cohen read your emails and separate fact from fiction in the ongoing autism and vaccine debate. Friday, 8 p.m. ET

As adults increasingly refuse to vaccinate their children, we will continue to see a rise in measles outbreaks. This is serious stuff. Measles can be deadly.
I do feel for the parents of autistic children. I can only imagine the pain and frustration they must feel -- the desperation to find a cause for your child's illness. But parents, please don't endanger all of our children based on a myth.
Medical science has proved there is no link.
Let's all move on together and focus on finding the real cause of autism and at the same time protect all of our children from deadly diseases like measles that we know how to prevent.
I'm sure many of you are passionate about this, so please e-mail me. Send us your iReports. And let's continue the conversation



So basically, you people with your silly ideas about not vaccinating your children are putting MY poor baby at risk. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) report on May 1st, 2008, several states continue to be particularly hard hit: New York, Wisconsin, and Michigan. However, the highest number of cases are in Arizona.Read more: http://diseases-viruses.suite101.com/article.cfm/measles_alert_2008#ixzz0PUN8f0RZ

While I don't reside in any of these states...Michigan is 5 miles away from me. My child plays with michigan children...Professors/faculty/staff/students at UT who bring their children to the same school my children are at could live in Michigan. So you want to put my child's health at risk because you're selfish? Thanks! I appreciate that. My helpless 4.5 month old child doesn't matter to you...all that matters is your kid isn't vaccinated for whatever unscientifically proven theory you have so you put other babies at risk. If my child EVER got measles and I found out who she got it from, I would go beat the parents of that child. Yes, it's THAT serious. And every single one of you who takes it lightly is insane. Yes, there are side effects to the vaccine, but there are side effects to measles, mumps and rubella that my infant and any other infant who is not old enough to receive the MMR should not be subjected to because of unfounded fears. I hate that people claim to do research on it too, if you researched it you wouldn't be so STUPID about it!

ARGH!

http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/vpd-vac/measles/

Kamaya's 4 month appointment

She won't be 4 months for a week though. She weighed in at 13lbs 6oz (49th %tile) and measured 23.5inches (29th %tile...she's a shorty compared to her sister). The doctor said she's growing well. She was born in the 81st %tile and has dropped down to the 49th. Hopefully this means we don't have to hear all that "borderline overweight" crap we heard with Ky. He said I could start her on cereal and solids between 4-6 months but I'm definitely waiting for a while. Aside from looking at our food like she wants it, she doesn't really seem too interested. We'll see. She didn't get her vaccinations for two reasons. First being that I got a phone call from a nurse yesterday saying that she's not yet 4 months so they couldn't give her the shots. So we scheduled an appt for the 17th because we'll be out of town next week. The doctor said it would've been fine to give her them today because it's been two months exactly since her last shots. BUT, reason number two was that they were out of one vaccine and I decided it'd be better to get them all at once than to poke her twice and have her hate me for two days haha. I'll make sure Daddy holds her...nobody ever came to Ky's appts with me so I did all her vaccines on my own, it's daddy's turn!! She's very strong, talkative, so smiley and generally a happy baby. The gas issue has lessened greatly. She does occasionally get gas and cries like it's painful, but once she gets the fart/burp out she's fine. Daycare has been putting her in the exersaucer for weeks because she's got such a strong neck and holds her head up well. She has rolling phases. For a while she'll roll belly to back consistently and then for a while she'll just lie on her belly and cry refusing to roll. But she's a great baby and I love her lots. I stop in to see her when I deliver mail to the daycare and it's so hard to pry myself away from her. I shouldn't torture myself like that, but I can't help it!

Been a while

We've had the computer on the second floor since we moved in here...but recently it's helped me not get on so much. Aside from the fact it's hot as balls up here because the A/C isn't very strong, I'm just too lazy to come up here. Our second floor is one big room, so it's our office/playroom. Kamaya doesn't like it up here so I restrict my computer time to when she's asleep. So that means I'm not blogging as much. I always have a lot on my mind, so I could benefit from blogging more, but time is an issue.

Let's see what's been going on. I finally got all the daycare stuff figured out. Ky was able to get on subsidized care and we can afford the copay for both girls. So I'm happy. Unfortunately JFS is redetermining my eligibility in October, so we may be screwed come then :(. I hope I can figure something out. I'm debating...if all goes as planned, I'll graduate in December. So not only will I be done with school, but I won't have a job because I won't be a student anymore. So I don't know if I will be on the lookout for a job and try to keep the girls in daycare, or if I'll just not work and stay at home. Because Vic will be doing clinicals, we probably won't be able to afford for me to stay at home :(.

My stepbrother got married two weeks ago. It was nice to leave the girls with my mom and go to the wedding with just Vic. Ken and Kristin made it to the reception and we sat at a table with them and my dad, Sue and Rachel (Sue's mom). It was a good time. I'm not a fan of country music and that was about 95% of the music played. Vic got me several drinks that were watered down. They kept play songs like the electric slide and all I wanted was the cupid shuffle. Well Ken and Kristin invited us to BW3s in Medina, so we decided to go. And what do you think came on as we were walking out the door....??? Cupid shuffle. So I cupid shuffled my ass on the dance floor and then we left. Then Ken and Vic made me drink more after that. Ha!

I also saw Jasmine and several other people I haven't seen since high school. Crazy. I feel old!!!
We also got a kitten from my dad and Sue that weekend. He's cute. My brother suggested a name- Mr. Bigglesworth- and Vic wanted it, so I let him name the cat that. We call him Mr. Biggs for short. Or, I just call him Mr.

Tonight was the first day of dress up week at my pole class. I just wore a short black dress with some booty shorts underneath and some heels. Not many people dressed up, but apparently a lot come from work. I'm signing up for the next session that starts September 8th and is 7 weeks long. I WILL make it to the top of the pole before that session is over!!! And I can't wait to have my own pole. It's great exercise and I'd love to be able to do it more often! Fortunately I have hardwood floors so that's nice ;)

This weekend we're going to my mom's. Saturday Vic and I are going to Dave & Busters (I've never been!) for Jasmine's birthday. Then Sunday we're going to the Medina co fair. The Lucas co fair SUCKS. It's not worth it. I told Vic I'll show him what a REAL fair is. He claims Allen Co fair is good (Lima), but I'm sure he'll enjoy Medina's. We're going to stay til Tuesday and then head to columbus. We're going to stay there til Thursday and go to the zoo, COSI and do whatever else we can find. WE always go on a mini vacation in the summer, and Columbus was Vic's pick. The only problem is we don't have very big vehicles. We won't be able to fit the sit n stand stroller, pack and play and a weeks worth of clothes for all of us in my trunk. This has made me want to go buy a different car and trade in my current one. But I don't know anything about that stuff and we just don't have the time before we leave unless we do it friday. Daycare is closed next week so we are going to take advantage of that :)

I dunno

I feel like I should be writing a blog, but I don't know what to write about! Any suggestions? Haha.

I almost made it up the pole on Saturday. It's about 11-12 feet tall and I almost made it. I was like 2 feet from the top. It's very hard...looks easy but is hard as hell!

OH, I was recently informed that the last week of my pole fitness class is "dress up" week!!! :shock: Ummm, I'm full of stretchmarks and cellulite, I have no idea what I could wear. We are supposed to dress "sexy". But at the same time will be climbing poles so I can't wear a skirt or something without some spankies or whatever the hell those things are called underneath. Vic has been looking online for me. If I didn't have stretchmarks it'd be less of an issue for me. I don't look bad for just having a baby 3 months ago, but the stretchmarks still aren't pretty! So I have to cover my stomach and the top half of my big ol pale thighs. Some of the girls in the intermediate level were saying that the thigh-high boots help you grip on the pole when you're doing some of the airborne moves. Ahhh I'm scared haha! Vic is taking me to a stripper clothing store tomorrow after I get off haha. I'm quite certain it's for his own eyes not just for my pole fitness class. Probably the same reason he's talking about buying me a pole. I love love love this pole fitness class, but am terrified of trying to find and feel sexy in stripper clothes. Of course, you don't have to dress up if you don't want...but I don't want to be a stick in the mud! OK, that is all!

Damn you Strickland!

So today while I was doing my mail route, the daycare stopped me and let me know that they are, indeed, cutting ELI! Well crap. This could turn out one of two ways: good or bad. Haha. I have internship to finish and they don't count my hours for school and internship...not to mention I'll hardly be working and Vic will be working less because of clinicals and school. So either they can approve us now based on what we're working/earning and we'll have a copay for both girls (which I want to add, Vic is NOT Ky's father, so why does his income count towards her care? He should have rights if that's the case!!!) and we'll just have to hope they don't select to verify anything until after the semester is over...or we'll be screwed. Who knows, but all I can do is hope that it turns out well!

Slacker!!! Posting Pics finally!!

4th of July!!

pole dancing

is awesome. I'm loving this pole fitness class. It's really working muscles that I may not have ever worked before haha. Seriously, I might come out of there sore and bruised, but I'm OK with that. My goal is to be able to climb the pole. Granted I have 10 less lbs to get up the pole, but I actually made it one more step up on Tuesdays class than in the intro class. I'm proud of myself :) Vic said he's going to set money aside from every paycheck to buy a pole for me to practice with at home haha. Those things are expensive!!!

There are some girls who went through one of the full beginner sessions before and they did some moves last class. Can you say jealous?! I want to do that stuff. The class is Tues, Thurs and Sat, but she just added a Wednesday class starting next week. So, I might as well get Vic's moneys worth and go to all of them, right?! I think I'll continue into the fall and do a full 7 week session as well :) Love it!

Photo obsession

I got Ky's pictures taken "professionally" at walmart when she was a month old. Then not again until she was 6 months old. That's when I got a job at Picture People. So she got 6 mo pics, 2 rounds of Halloween/Fall Pics, 2 rounds of Christmas pics (she was sick the first time), Valentine's pics and then 1st birthday pics. Then Picture People closed. I moved on to Portrait Innovations for Easter pics and then Christmas pics. Since then it's just birthday and Christmas pictures. She's a toddler now so her looks don't change as much as often.

So now I'm thinking I have to make up for this with Kamaya too. So, I think I will do every 3 months for her first year and a half or so. The exception will be Christmas, which will come a month earlier than the 3 mos, then 1st birthday pics will be April, so there will be a little over 3 months between those.

Problem is, I don't get 50% off pictures anymore because I'm not getting them taken at my job at a photo studio. And Portrait Innovations doesn't have the option to put 12 photos on one page like I did with Ky's. Sigh.

I told Vic that's the one thing I couldn't go cheap for if/when we get married. I love photos, taking them, having them, scrapbooking them, etc. I just love pictures. Perhaps they help make up for my terrible memory! It's like an obsession though. I want pictures. So now making an appt is on my to-do list. Perhaps I should schedule that for Saturday?

Bittersweet move

So I've been trying to weigh the pros and cons of moving out of Toledo and closer to Medina. Not necessarily in Medina, but somewhere on that side of Ohio.

Pros:
-I'll be closer to my mom, who has a room for the girls in her new house

-Get further away from SD and his family

-Move closer to friends

-Getting out of this craphole known as Toledo

-Having babysitters!

Cons
-Unfamiliarity with resources, areas. This is a big one for me. Toledo has a ton of resources for moms, school counselors, etc.

-Further away from friends, Vic's family, etc

-Taking the girls out of Apple Tree, I really LOVE their daycare. Kyliana has made so many friends that she could potentially grow up with.

-Vic having to move away from the Tennis community and having to start over in a new place



I may have to add more as I think of them. This is a very hard decision for me. Change blows, and it won't just be change for me, but for Vic, Ky and Kami also.

Why do the traumatize my child so?

Today I was walking down to Ky's room at school and noticed a bag in her cubby. There were 2 outfits, a Hannah Montana watch and a letter for me. I opened it and it was from the SDs mom. She called me July 3rd and I have the number "blocked" so it just goes straight to voicemail. She left a vm saying she had these outfits for Ky and hadn't seen her in a while.

Before I continue, I must say....it is NOT MY responsibility to make sure she sees Ky. I don't care for her or any of SDs family in the first place. But if we had the court schedule for visitation it clearly states that visiting grandparents and other family should be done on that parents time. He agreed to get her every other Sunday, all Sunday and has only taken advantage of that once. He hasn't seen her in a month, and I don't know that he took her to his mom's house when he did see her. She only lives in Toledo. She should be calling her son about that NOT ME. As a matter of fact, I don't believe that she should even call me at all.

Anyhow, so I rolled my eyes and walked in the room. Both teachers came up to me bombarding me with questions about her. They asked if it was OK that she visit, which at that time I said I wish she wouldn't, but it's not a big deal. Then they told me what happened. Apparently she showed up right after they had laid down for nap. Ky wasn't asleep yet. When Ky saw her, she freaked. She started screaming and crying bloody murder. She was terrified and ran to her teacher clinging on to her. So SDs mom left. But it didn’t' stop. The teacher said Ky was so scared that she was shaking and flat out said that she was scared. She was having like a panic attack looking up every couple of minutes and darting her eyes around the room to make sure she wasn't there. Apparently she wouldn't go back on her cot. She continued to freak out and woke up the whole classroom (18 kids total!!), she was given warnings to get back on her cot and wouldn't. So then she had to be removed from the room so the other kids could nap. I totally get that the other kids shouldn't have been woken up, and I feel bad about that. It's just that she got punished, in a sense, for being scared, which wouldn't have happened if SD's mom would not have visited. Imagine how terrible I felt while I heard all of this.

Kyliana has NEVER acted like this, not even with SD. She’s screamed and cried, but not for 2 hours, inconsolable and shaking! I didn’t call SD simply because I don’t want to remind him that he hasn’t seen Kyliana in a while and then want to see her. Besides, he hasn’t taken her to his mom’s house for a reason. He’s talked badly about her before and is always annoyed with her, so I don’t know if it would even be beneficial to bring up to him. I got a phone call while I was in my pole fitness class from a number I didn’t know. I think it may have been his dad’s number….but I don’t know so I don’t want to block it. But they didn’t leave a message. I am not their family, so it’s not OK that they call me. They should communicate through SD. I NEVER return their phone calls, what makes them think I would now?!

After I heard the story, I told them I didn’t want her visiting. They said they would tell her she can’t visit during nap time…and I said I’d prefer her not to visit at all because then that would mean one of the two teachers would have to comfort and console Kyliana, which takes away from their job of looking over all the other children. And while, yes, I want them to comfort and console Kyliana, situations like this shouldn’t happen so they have to do it for 2 hours! Needless to say, she got no nap today. And tomorrow I have a conference with them to discuss ways we can get on the same page about dealing with this new separation anxiety (that only happens at school) and clingy behavior.

I’m just really upset about all of this. His mom is so freakin clueless that I’m sure she doesn’t understand that Kyliana doesn’t want her to visit. We talked about it on the way home and she said she didn’t want her to visit and that she doesn’t like her. She also told me that she was scared of her. Why? She wouldn’t say…but she liked the Hannah Montana watch…but doesn’t even watch the show. I am so tempted to go throw the crap on her doorstep and tell her we don’t want it because she traumatized the poor child to give her clothes we don’t really need in the first place. UGH.

Giving Vs Selfish

Why, Why, WHY am I so giving. Not that it's a bad thing, but I sometimes hate that quality about myself. I don't want to sound selfish, but it's frustrating when you're constantly giving and giving and giving but nobody returns the favor. I LOVE to shop, especially for kids and babies. Particularly because I'll see something that my kids don't need but I'll know someone else who has a kid who could. And I always have coupons that I hate to let go to waste.

I've gone all out for several people for their baby showers...none of whom even came to a baby shower for me. My coworkers for example. I've had 2 coworkers have babies since I started there. I made them both diaper cakes, bought outfits, etc. Neither of them have bought a thing for Kamaya, though they continually promise to do so. It's one thing if you just don't get my child anything, no biggie, but it's a whole different ball game if you say you're going to do something and never do. I'm not the richest person in the world, hell...I am well below the poverty line, but still somehow manage to do such nice things for people. Not to mention, I was/am financially raising Kyliana all by myself. ($38 in 2 months does not count as helping...)Where's karma here? I've known several people, in person and online, who have had girls. I gave away all of Ky's old clothes up through 12 months....and most of those people could more easily afford to buy those clothes than I could. Must be nice. I gave away Ky's old crib for free. FREE. Granted it was a decade old and well worn-in, and I kept the mattress...but still...another nice thing I did for someone. Is it selfish of me to even be thinking like this? I feel like it is.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for those people who did help us get the things we needed for Kamaya. But it's so crazy how none of them were the people who I helped out. As we speak...or as I type...I've got bags full of stuff for other people's babies....none of whom bought anything for either of my babies. I don't even know what I should do about this! It seems like a terrible thing to vent about...being too giving. Sigh....

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Isn't it so funny how so many people are not open or don't do well with change, yet we are ever-changing? Some changes happen rather quickly, others are so gradual that we hardly notice them. Hopefully those changes are positive ones most of the time, but we all know that there's negative ones too.

Other people change on us. Like when you first start dating someone and they do all sorts of things....then once you start getting comfortable with them, they stop cleaning, or cooking, or whatever it may be. And then you're supposed to pick up their slack.

Or you change yourself. I hate cooking, but when it was just me I was the only one who would/could cook. But now that I'm in a relationship with a man who likes to cook, why should I do it? I don't like to, only do it when I absolutely have to. And my body image and self esteem have changed. Granted no matter what most women's bodies change after having a baby. I put on a bit of weight after having Ky, but I still had confidence in myself and I still wore bikinis. But now that I've had another child who made my stomach look like a roadmap with all the stretchmarks she gave me...well my bikini days are over. I feel ashamed when I look at myself in the mirror. I criticize everything about myself. But before kids I was so happy with my body. It feels like no matter what I do I'll never have that confidence back. I'm working on it, but it takes FOREVER to lose weight! And even when I hit my goal, I'm sure I won't be happy and will want to lose more. I've become self conscious of everything! I try to cover up everything. I hate wearing tank tops because my arms are too fat. I won't wear shorts unless they're bermuda-style because my thighs have exploded. Shirts need to be long enough so that they won't ride up and show off my love handles, belly pooch or back fat. I can hardly bear to show off my calves because even they have cellulite on them. I love my kids, but they really didn't have to do this to my body!!!

The things that you plan for your life change. 2 years ago I planned to start and finish my Master's program by December 2008. Ok, well things got bumped back and then bumped again. And at this point, less than 300 internship hours away (and tens of thousands of dollars in loans) I'm not even sure that's what I want to do with my life. I hardly find any enjoyment in it. Don't get me wrong, it'd be a great gig...but I had some bad experiences last semester and I'm so over it. It's all taking more energy and time that I had ever planned. And I watched people who could use a lot of work, but had the same internship supervisors as me yet none of the problems they gave me, graduate without a hitch. WTF is that about. Yes, I'm jealous. Why do I feel like this shit only happens to me?! Well, yeah depression, but still! Anywho, if I could choose, I'd not even work at all....which brings me to my next topic. When Vic and I first started dating the plan was that he'd be a physician's assistant and I'd stay at home. We'd perhaps open me a little photo studio, but I'd otherwise care for the children that we'd have. Then his plans about the PA thing didn't work out. Now he's almost done with school to be a respiratory therapist. So I get that things didn't work out for him, but now I have to change my life plan too because I won't be able to be a SAHM. Not.Cool. I will be earning more money with having holidays, weekends and the whole summer off. Granted I'll have a Masters and he a Bachelors, but it seems we will certainly live more comfortably with my income in addition to his. Hopefully someone gives me a big box of joy for my birthday or something.

Speaking of Vic...if you would have asked me 3.5 years ago if I would ever date him, I would have said no. Now look at us...going on 3 years together and a baby! Funny how things change. What else has changed? 5 months ago I would have told you I don't plan on getting married anytime soon and I was fine with just being in a relationship. Now, we've ring shopped and my mind is on marriage. That was a mighty quick change of opinion huh?!

So much to blog about...

...but so little time. It's 1am here and I have to work at 9am. Fortunately though, tomorrow I won't have to do the PM mail route at work, I'll be leaving early to go to get some different meds (hopefully). My anxiety is getting worse and I think I have PPD, but the Zoloft is supressing it a little. I'm not pregnant anymore, so we should be safe to try something new! I have anger issues brought out by my depression and they have gotten worse. Like ZERO patience worse. I want to enjoy my children while they're this little.

I plan to blog some more tomorrow. I'm uploading pictures to my photobucket right now. I have a freakin ton from this weekend. While I'm waiting, I'll talk about my weekend. Friday Vic didn't work til 2:30. I didn't have work and daycare/school was closed. So we hung out at home that day. We did a small bit of shopping that evening. Saturday we did some last minute things. Then we got ready and went downtown to the river (maumee river). Vic and I started going in July of 05...shortly before I found out I was pregnant with Kyliana. Back then we were just friends. Now we've carried on this tradition for the 5th time! It's gonna be crazy if we move, we'll have to start all over!
Anyhow, we went down there early so we could go to the little festival. They advertised a family fun place and we'd never been on that side of the river. So we decided it was too much to walk all the way around to the bridge, and we weren't going to pay to park, then drive to the other side and pay again to park...so we took a water taxi. First time ever in my nearly 7 years of being here that I was on the Maumee river, crazy! Kyliana and Kamaya both had their first boat ride. It wasn't a long one, but we got round-trip tickets and off we went. Kamaya got freaked out about the boat's high-pitched horn, but they were both fine. On the other side we found a bouncy place, balloon animals and face-painting...all of which Ky did. She got fireworks on her cheek and a ladybug balloon bracelet (which I also had to get one, but I drew the line at the face painting...I did that before I left the house haha).

So back to the water taxi we went. We got smart this year and brought Ky's potty with us...no more port-a-potty lines for us. We had reservations at Zia's which is authentic Italian at 7pm. YUM. Always go there for the 4th!! Then we got our blankets and found our spot to watch the fireworks. Toledo has good fireworks shows. We were quite early so we hung out on the blanket doing sparklers, snakes, and lighting up our glow necklaces and bracelets. Once the fireworks started Vic covered Kami's ears with a blanket and his hands. So LOVED watching them. And Ky always does. It was a great night.

Then today, SD was supposed to get Ky...think he did? You're right, he didn't...and didn't even have the common courtesy to call, color me surprised :rolleyes: So we decided that our kitchenette thingy needed some reorganization and bought another shelf. We don't have a pantry so we put shelves in the kitchenette and put our food on there. BOY does it look better already! I'm not done, but will be soon :). I love feeling orgainzed. Now on to the basement... :(

Some funny things Ky said this weekend "everything in the world is broken" and "You're giving me a monopolis (after I told her she's giving me a mental illness)" haha. I love my kid, she's too smart!

OK pics are done uploading. Check back later today, there should be more postS (yes, plural) in here!!! Along with pics!!!

Confession

Last summer...Vic and I weren't really preventing pregnancy. In fact, we had talked about having another baby. And we knew very well it could happen. We didn't take any precautions. We were trying, but we weren't avoiding either. And I KNEW I was pregnant even before I actually knew it. The day we did the deed, I knew I was going to get pregnant, just a feeling I had. And I went out and bought a 2 pack of digital tests....I was so impatient I tried testing like 6-7 days before my missed period...but I didn't tell Vic. Then I went to my mom's for the weekend w/0 Vic and took the second test with me. I couldn't wait any longer and took it 4 days before my missed period...not even with morning urine...and it felt like it took forever...but it said pregnant. I took a picture on my cell and sent it to vic. He had no idea I was even suspecting it! I was excited and so was he. The first person I told was Jeni...then the forum ladies. And I didn't tell anybody else until 12 weeks (my mom) and then at around 13 weeks I started telling my coworkers (I didn't want to steal my one coworkers thunder, so I waited til after her shower) and the daycare (though I had told one of the directors there so I could get Kamers on the waiting list). It was so exciting!!! Ahhhh I feel better.

Progress

I started my diet June 1st. My weigh-ins were always Mondays but then I switched to Fridays. The women on my mom's forum decided to do a weekly weigh-in thread on fridays....so I jumped on the bandwagon. As of my weigh-in on June 26th (Holy crap it's July already) I've lost 8lbs. So 8lbs in about 4 weeks. I can deal with that. I've lost 2inches on my waist and 1 from my hips. I think I'll be taking update pictures for my before, during and after pics this friday. I took before pics in a bikini, so I'll continue to do that every month or so. The thing that sucks the most about this is that by the time I get the body I want, it'll be winter and I won't be able to show it off! Oh well :( at least I'll have a hot body by next summer, right?

I have a lot more confidence and determination this time around. I've done Weight Watchers before and it just didn't work for me. The whole points thing was a hassle. Now I just look at the calories and add them up. I don't have to take my point slider everywhere with me or anything. Let's just hope I don't get discouraged and give up. I was never a quitter but it's hard to go from eating whatever you want to restricting.

Ohio sucks!

I'm disappointed. It's a long complicated explanation, but I'll try to make it short and sweet. There is a program in Ohio for lower income families called ELI (Early Learning Initiative). It's for "at-risk" (aka poor) children ages 3-5. It's state funded preschool. Kyliana is currently in an ELI spot at her school. Prior to this she was on subsidized child care. With this you have to pay a copay. One main difference is that with ELI, you do not have to be working or going to school. Subsidized care you have to work and/or go to school. I do both BUT they don't count my Master's program because "logically" I should be able to get a job with a Bachelor's...right! In whose dreams? I can't get jack with a BA in psychology. Anyhow, so they give me very few hours. Problem is, the girls are at a fulltime center which means they have to be there 25 hrs/week. If they aren't I pay the difference of what job and family services pays and the total cost of daycare, which ends up being a couple hundred $ a month.

So there is a proposal to cut the ELI program all together so Ohio can meet their budget. They also want to change the income guidelines for subsidized care. Chances are that we may not qualify. Now, I'm not another "welfare case" looking for a handout. I'm a college student looking for help while I finish my education so I can provide well for my family. This will be a big blow to me. It might turn out that I have to stay at home...and that may mean that I can't finish internship. Who knows. I'm trying to get Ohioans to sign the petition, but there seems to be so many people who think that everyone who uses ELI is poor, lazy, etc and that we spend what money we do get on clothes, getting our hair and nails done, etc. All of that is funded by MY LOAN money that all has to be repaid plus interest. It's sad that my child may have to lose out on preschool and lose her social interaction...along with me having to lose my oppurtunity to graduate all because Gov. Strickland lied just to get elected (surprise! He IS a politician, I guess I should have known that was coming)

My addiction

I am addicted to Planter's Nutrition energy mix. It's so delicious, but high in calories, fat and sodium. Damn you Planter's.


That is all

My fun ordeal

Vic's mom called me and asked me what time we'd be in Ft. Wayne (Indiana) on Saturday...which I had no idea we were going. Typical lack of communication on Vic's part. Turned out his mom wanted pictures of all her grandkids, Ky included. Ok...and then Vic used that as an excuse to have his brother's gf fix his hair. I have been harassing him about doing it, but wasn't fond of the idea of me and the girls having to sit there while he did. But I hesitantly agreed to it. First off, I think it's lame that WE are the ones who have to travel though we've got a newborn. AND we are the most broke out of everybody. Yes, Vic's two brothers both live in Ft wayne and both have two kids, but not a newborn! And Vic's parents live in Lima, so it would've been the same drive for them. His brothers and their families never offer to come here, but his SIL complains that she hardly sees us. How does that make sense? You're the well-off ones, get in the car and drive if you're really concerned! Anyways, I told a whole bunch of people I didn't feel safe driving on my tire that wasn't staying inflated, including Vic.
Vic attempted to get a rental car because his parents 2 door cavalier that he's driving is not comfortable enough to fit us all for a 2.5hour drive....but nobody had any on such short notice. I filled my car up with gas Thursday. Saturday morning he took my car, filled it up with air and we were out of the house and on our way. I have never been to his brother's house, but it is quite large and very nice. His brother is pretty well-off, doing real estate and owns a rim shop.
We drove out to the picture place and got in to get the pictures. Let me just say...it is so not easy trying to get 6 kids to smile/look at the camera or at least in the general vicinity of it/keep their eyes open/not show their underwear, etc. Vic's oldest brother and SIL didn't come with their kids. Vic's mom acted annoyed half the time...and I know it was because they were taking so long. Thing is, if we had went to walmart, you'd get the 6 poses they choose and that's it. There were over 130 pictures to choose from because they wanted to make sure they got good ones. So yeah, they're a bit more time consuming and a little more costly (I easily spent nearly $200 on pics at walmart too though), but it's worth it to me to get good pictures.
Anyways, so we got back to his brother's house and everyone sat around and ate, chilled, played. I got subway because I was determined not to stray from my diet and I didn't :) I even ate 2 cookies! So finally around 6:30, vic's brother's gf started on his hair. It took 3 hours!! Can I just say I was extremely bored! His mom was sleeping, Kyliana was outside playing and Kamaya was sleeping. I can only do so much on my phone before I get bored. Finally at 9:30, past Ky's bedtime, we are done and able to leave. So we get on the road. about an hour and a half into our drive, 15 miles into Ohio, my tire blows up. Freakin awesome. All I could do was laugh and say “I knew it! I so called this!!” over and over again. So I'm getting ready to call my free roadside assistance or Vic's AAA and he says he's going to change the tire himself. Well there was absolutely NO light, so he had to leave the door open to see. And of course, I have no flashlight. So in the meantime Kamaya gets hungry so I fed her, but the trucks flying by inches from my car had my anxiety going crazy. And then, Ky decides to wake up whining. Wonderful. So I had to bribe her with the snacks in my purse. I had a 100 calorie York wafer bar and she got half of it on her face because it was half melted, but it was worth it to stop the whining.
After about 30-45 minutes, Vic got the tire changed. I photographed the events:









Ok, so when he was done, he got back into the car and started it…or NOT. We drained the Fin battery by keeping the door open for light. So NOW we had to call AAA.
They transferred us to a dispatcher for someone in the area. They said they generally don’t like to jump people on the highway, so they might tow us to the nearest rest stop… Problem is, we have 2 adults and 2 children that all can’t fit into a tow truck. So they offered to take 2 people to the rest stop (which is 34 miles away), jump the car and then we could go get the other 2. WTF!? Fortunately the tow truck driver wasn’t an idiot and jumped us. And he just got on the job at 12 and we were (thankfully) the first of 5 calls!
When he was all done, we were on our way home finally!! We were getting off the highway and discovered my turn signal blew out too, just to put the icing on the cake I guess haha. Finally we got home around 1:30am.
Moral of the story? Never doubt your instinct. This is the second time that I doubted it and was wrong!!! No more chalking things up to anxiety!

Maybe I jinxed it...

I called my mom yesterday morning to bitch about my car and she sounded unhappy. It took a minute of me trying to drag it out of her when she finally told me. She got her chest x-ray back and they saw a spot on her lung. What could it be? Oh ANYTHING-a lymph node, a granuloma, cancer :(, etc. Of course all I can think of is the worst. She gets the chest x-rays to ensure that the cancer from her kidney hadn't spread and it's been nearly 2 years...then BAM! She's getting a CAT scan tomorrow-her birthday :(. Then her doctor's appointment is Friday morning, so I suppose she'll find out the results then. I don't want to think the worst, I want to think the positive but I'm scared...and I know she is. WTF she just lost her husband to lung cancer, this cannot happen. I'm praying for her and I guess that's all I can do. This woman has been through so much with her health and with cancer in the family lately. Please if anybody reads this send a prayer or some good thoughts my mom's way.

The irony in this? She found out the day she decided to quit smoking (again) :(

I love my mom!!!

Cancer BLOWS!

I just wanted to get that off my chest. I miss Patrick and think about him a lot. My mom and I were chatting on the phone last weekend and she was talking about him and I finally confessed to her that I felt guilty for not letting Kyliana call him grandpa. She said that he didn't really mind being called patrick, but I don't care. It was silly and I was petty :(. And Kamaya never got to meet him. When he found out I was pregnant with Ky he was asking how I thought I was going to be able to take care of her and said I should get an abortion. When I was pregnant with Kami, he said no such thing. He seemed happier than my mom. I know with being sick he probably reevaluated the things that were important and that it was nothing to be mad about. That and he loved Vic.

I have this picture on my desk with my brother, stepsiblings, mom, patrick, grandma and I. Kyliana asks who my grandma is. That makes me sad. My grandma passed away when Ky was 8 months, so she's got no memory. I tell her that her great grandma is in heaven with Patrick.

And my mom had cancer. They found a tumor on her kidney and it was large enough that removing her kidney was the best thing to do. Then they biopsied it and it was malignant. Fortunately it hasn't spread. She goes back every 6 months or so for another year or two before they'll say for sure she's cancer free. Thank the Lord for that at least. I can't lose my mom :(

I just needed to vent a bit as I sit here and look at my picture. I wish Kami could've met Patrick. They would just love each other so much. Kyliana doesn't talk about Patrick a lot, hardly ever. Though one day out of the blue she asked me how Patrick got up to heaven. I told her God came and got him and they flew. So she asked how they flew and I said God had special powers. Then she went on playing. I wonder if he visits her sometimes.

My mom bought a house in Medina and is moving next month. So now she's going through the process of packing all of her and Patrick's stuff. She's had a lot of bad days. July 12th she's renting the Good Times boat and having hundreds of people on it to go out on Lake Erie and spread his ashes. Patrick was a fisherman and that's what he wanted. It's going to be a sad day, I know it. And my mom called one day saying that their fish, Betta Man, died. She was sad and I could hear it in her voice, so I said I was sorry. She said "it was just a fish" and I told her that I know he wasn't JUST a fish and that it meant more to her than just a fish dying. It was her fish she got with Patrick.

BLAH. Go away forever cancer!

For the love of children

Most mom's worry about whether they can love their second child as much as their first, when they're pregnant. I always worried about loving my second child more...why? Because I wouldn't be in the same situation. I knew that if I were to have another child, it'd be with a man I love and wanted to have a child with. Not that I regret having Ky by any means, I just wish it could've been with someone else.

So now Kami's here, and how am I feeling you ask? Well I don't know. I feel like things are so different now. Back when Ky was born I was young, single and not prepared. It wasn't hard leaving her at daycare. She was a good baby so she let me do what I wanted and she just slept or hung out. I regret not feeling a connection to her when she was born. I regret not holding her more. So what I do know that I'm feeling is guilt. I hold Kamaya a lot more and I was in love with her the second I saw her. I regret being upset that she is a she haha. But every time I catch myself enjoying making her smile and hearing her coo I feel guilty for not doing that more with Ky. Don't get me wrong, I love Ky and did when she was a baby, I just didn't realize how fast she would grow up. Now she's a 3 year old and has a habit of pushing my buttons. Kamaya needs me for everything and I understand that. Maybe I'm expecting Ky to be TOO independent for her age? I don't know. Ky did something for me that Kami won't...Ky motivated me to graduate and move on to pursue my master's.

Either way, I love both my girls and I'm so blessed to have them in my life. They are some of the greatest things that have ever happened to me.

I pretty much don't like people

Maybe I'm dealing with PPD and the Zoloft is no longer doing the job...but I just cannot stand people anymore.

I have to say I'm a pretty giving person. I love to buy gifts and give them to people. There becomes a fine line between gratitude for those gifts and taking advantage of my kindess. Not that I really expect that I should get anything back other than a thank-you...but after people claim that they're going to give you a gift for your child after you pretty much went all out for theirs, it's kind of annoying...don't you think? Or some people just expect you to go to their shower and buy gifts for their child, but when it was your turn for your shower, they don't come and don't get a gift. And on top of it...to think that this is the second child that this has happened with. Yeah, annoying. Whatev though.

Secondly, people get on my damn nerves!!! I just cannot stand when people think they know everything. Some people have done it all and know it all...right? Wrong! If you knew it all you'd know I don't give a damn what you think. People who tell me to just let my baby cry...this child is 2 months old, why would I sit her in a bouncy chair and have her fuss and cry for an hour while I get some walking in? Kyliana can play in the basement, that's not a problem, but Kamaya won't do anything for an hour to let me get some exercise in. I didn't think strapping her on in the snugli and walking on the treadmill was anymore dangerous as strapping her on and walking down the sidewalk...This is toledo people, they can't afford to fix uneven sidewalks...half our street doesn't even have sidewalks and the streets are awful. So I guess I should trash the snugli right? Because it's unsafe, I might fall and crush my child with my fat ass....The same should go for all moms who use snuglis or bjorns....or even slings for that matter...right? Everyone get rid of those dangerous contraptions!!! Kiss my ass!

Then there's those mom's who would NEVER do thisorthat to their child! Gasp! It's child abuse if you put DEET on your child because there's pesticides in it. OMG! You're a terrible parent for using what the CDC and AAP recommend using on your child-in the proper ways. WTF ever! Let's not get started on vaccinations...you know us parents who vaccinate DON'T do ANY research at all. We make sure to ask for vaccinations with mercury in them because EVERYONE KNOWS that thimerosal-containing vaccines cause Autism....right? Except that every study done has shown there is no direct correlation between the two. And that I'd rather protect my child from the diseases that your child could catch and give to mine because you want to choose not to vaccinate your child on some unsupported theory you have. Please. Don't get mad when there's an outbreak of something you thought was nonexistant because some child went overseas and caught it and brought it back here to give to all unvaccinated children and adults in his/her presence. But don't tell me that I'm wrong for my choices---EDUCATED choices just like you claim yours to be. SHUUUUUTTTTTUP!!!!!!

I love the first time preggos who know everything too. They're my fave. Why ask for advice if you don't care to hear it anyways?

SHIT! I need some stronger medication. I get anger issues with my depression and I swear it's tripled in the past 2 weeks. It's gotta be PPD. I am getting annoyed by Kamaya even and she didn't do anything to me. I'm just pissed off and for no good reason. Life isn't any worse than it was a month ago. It's gotta be PPD. Plus I was doing so well with not cussing and now I'm terrible.

Tomorrow I'm going back to work. I'm not dreading work, I just am dreading leaving Kamaya. It's so much different than it was with Ky. But that's not part of my rant so I'll save that for another post.

I apologize in advance if I've offended anybody....but if you feel guilty (which you probably shouldn't because the people I'm venting about don't read this) then it might be wise to worry less about what other people do and don't try to push your opinions on others! And reevaluate yourself too....

Motivation

So I'm pretty proud of myself on how I'm doing with this diet/exercise thing. It's only week one, but I haven't complained about hating it. It's not really a diet, just counting calories. Any other time I'd complain about starving and such. Anyhow, I'm making a list of rewards. I'm going to reward myself/vic is going to reward me for every 5lbs lost. That way it'll keep me on track better. So here it is:

5lbs lost-new shoes
10lbs lost-new tattoo (finally!!)
15lbs lost-new clothes
20 lbs lost-???
23 (my goal)-A couple's spa day at the Kalahari (this has to be verified with my mom so someone can watch the kiddos).

My first weigh-in will be monday and I hope the #s on the scale don't completely discourage me. I do have the birth control pills that may or may not hinder my weight loss, not to mention the stress. But I have been eating well and exercising regularly so I should have some good news, I hope. I'd love to lose 2lbs/week, but we'll see what happens!

Thoughts on getting in shape

So I'm trying to get back in shape. I know I've talked about this a ton, but now I'm finally doing it. I started Monday, June 1st. So far I'm doing well. I'm sticking to the exercising, counting calories and I'm actually getting less calories than I should. So now I can allow myself to eat more because I HAVE to so my body doesn't go into starvation mode and slow down my metabolism.

I'm using a site called myfitnesspal.com...there was another one I signed up for fitday.com but you pretty much had to enter all the nutrition info for all the foods you ate. Sorry folks, I haven't got that kind of time. Myfitnesspal has tons of stuff in there already. I've never searched for something and had it not be there. It's taking a lot out of me to not weigh myself, but I have to limit it to once weekly. Vic claimed he was going to take the scale from me haha!

I've also decided to reward myself for every 5 lbs I lose. The first 5 Vic is rewarding me with new shoes. I'm unsure about the next 5, but once I lose 15 I'm going to buy some new clothes. I want new clothes now, but I figure after losing 15 lbs, I'll be closer to my goal weight so closer to the size I'll be once I reach it. Vic got me a gift card for Dots (LOVE THAT PLACE!!!) so I'll be using that then. Perhaps after 10 lbs I'll use the rest of my gc to my salon and get me a massage since I'm letting my hair grow out after this. My weight loss goal is 23lbs. I might say 25 to make it a more solid number. This way I should hopefully still have the curves I want but also not have the curves I don't want. Unfortunately I think I'll lose the tiny bit of growth my boobs have had now...but that's ok! I can't wait to be happy with my body again :)

My wonderful boyfriend is paying for me to take this strip aerobics/pole dancing class. I'm excited. It's clear across town, but it'll be worth it. There's a preview class on the 15th that I'll be going to to make sure I want to take the class (which I don't doubt that I will) and then the class is 4 weeks, 3 days a week. I can go as many times I want to in those 4 weeks, so hopefully I'll make it to all the classes! Fortunately Vic is also doing this with me, so that makes it easier.

I was just at the grocery store, which is right by all the restaurants and I wanted McDonald's or Rally's so bad....but I know I would have felt so guilty afterwards. I'm going downstairs to make me a salad!!!

Married with children

Marraige has been the topic of conversation a lot more lately. If you asked me a year ago I would've told you I was not ready and may not be for a long time. Now, I could totally be engaged for a while. I think I'm getting close to ready. I NEVER thought about or imagined my wedding before, but now I do all the time...what colors the dresses will be, who will be in the wedding, where it will be, etc.

Vic said he would have 4 groomsmen...his two brothers, best friend here and best friend from back home. Well his best friend from back home is out now because he'll be in prison for the next decade. Even with 4 groomsmen I struggled to think of who my bridesmaids would be. I really don't have many female friends. I'm not close with any of his family. There's always my stepsister of course. And we'd at least know who the flower girlS would be.

He's insisting that we would fly to Hawaii to get married, but I want to have a more traditional wedding. Though we could honeymoon in Hawaii ;).

BUT I don't know that we will even get engaged any time soon. It would be nice because then we could look into the stepparent adoption thing with Ky. Speaking of Ky, this child is adorable! I love her. She loves Kami so much. I got a video of her "reading" to Kamaya today, and Kami was just staring in her direction. So cute. She always wants to practice writing her letters. Oh and the other day she told me she was ready for Kindergarten because she can read (which is not true) and she got upset with me when I told her that even if she could read, she can't go to Kindergarten until she's 5. Some of her friends from school are leaving to be home with their parents for the summer and then to to Kindergarten in the fall.
She always wants to get Kami's diapers...she loves to pick out which diaper Kami will get because they have sesame street characters on them.

Kami's sleep habits are up and down. She is now getting too big for her cosleeper so she's not liking sleeping in there. It's too warm for the swaddle blankets we have. The crib is still apparently too big for her, or whatever her reasoning is behind not sleeping well in it. Vic took care of her last night and got 2 hours of sleep...which were lying with her on the couch. Probably why we all woke up late this morning...besides Ky who woke me up and asked me if she could have string cheese for breakfast...? Other than the sleeping, Kamaya is doing great. She's rolling from belly to back pretty consistently, she's not much a fan of tummy time, so I guess that's where her determination comes from haha. She's got her 2 mo dr appt on Thursday, so round one of vaccines. Vic can't be there because of class :( He taught Kam's ped's son tennis. I read about some topical cream that you can have the ped write a prescription for that numbs the skin for vaccines...but very few peds tell parents about it. I don't know if insurance will cover it, and it's too late to get it, but I'll ask about it for next time. HOpefully she takes the vaccines like a champ like her sister did.

I'm going to end this now because she's being a fussy mcfussbutt!!!

Is anybody listening?

I don't know if anybody even reads my blog...? I always have lots to say but then I get on here and forget it all. (This was started last week and I'm just finishing it today!)



Let me get my rant out of the way first. I know Kamaya is only 5 weeks old so I shouldn't expect anything much. But I've been eating well and started jogging and doing some exercise DVDs. Well I also started birth control again and I gained 4 lbs! WTF. My current weight is the same I weighed 9 months pregnant with Kyliana! YOWZERS. And on top of it I look at myself in the mirror and think I look frumpy. I need to do something. I used to have such great self confidence, even after Ky I had a decent amount. Now I have zero. I hate what I look like and try to cover up as much as I can. I can no longer wear a bikini, I have to cover up my stretchmarks that are all over my belly AND thighs. So not only did I have to find a tankini top, but I also had to find a skirt to wear on the bottom. And on top of it I have people saying that I look tiny and all this. I appreciate the comments and all, but I don't like how I look. My thighs are huge, I could stand to get some inches off the waistline, not to mention the love handles...and my arms are turning into teacher's arms....did I say my thighs are huge? I don't mind having bigger thighs, but they're too big! And females, don't act like it's not all about the number on the scale. Would you believe I'm 40 lbs above my pre-ky weight? And while that was too thin for my liking, I would love to lose 20-30. It's hard freakin work. I'm currently in search of a sugar daddy to get me lipo haha! Vic said go for it.



Moving on, I'm sad. I'm not currently registered for any classes, so I am no longer eligible for the free counseling on campus for registered students :(. So this means I have to go to a new counseling center covered by my insurance. That's no big deal...but that means I have to start from scratch with someone new. I have to start my story all over again. It's taken almost a year to tell it to my current counselor, whom I loved by the way. But the good part about this is that I have someone to give me refills of my meds. My midwife wrote my RXs before but I need someone who can monitor them and be able to take my dosage up or down, or even switch meds if need be. By the way, if you don't get counseling, I totally recommend it.



Kamaya is already 5 weeks old. It's flown by. I go back to work June 15th! She's growing well. We had a home nurse visit (the last of them!) monday and she kept saying how smart and strong she was...well who would expect anything less from my child ;).

Here is how her growth has been:

birth- 8lbs 2 0z

6 days old-7lbs 11 oz

16 days-8 lbs 10oz

20 days-8lbs 13 oz

1 month- 9 lbs 10oz

1 mo, 1 week-9lbs 14 oz

She has her next appointment on the 4th of June. Her first round of vaccines. She'll be a week shy of 2 months old, but whatever! Her fussiness has gotten better. She usually only has one super fussy gas fit a day, which is a lot better than before. I'm also finally feeling like I'm getting some help. Ky on the other hand is declining in the behavior department, but we're working on getting that figured out!

I'm a bit sad. I've been seeing my counselor for about a year now. She works in the campus counseling center and it's free for registered students...however I'm no longer registered until the fall, so I can't see her anymore. We're having a wrap up session later today and I'm done. So I guess I have to start all over again with a new counselor. But at least I can have someone to write prescriptions for refills. I highly recommend seeing a counselor...especially if you're taking antidepressants. Medication alone helps a bunch, but you wouldn't believe how much seeing a counselor helps too. I was going through withdrawals when I hadn't seen her for 5 weeks and now I'm not going to see her anymore. She's not sure if she'll be there in the fall either. BOO! I need her the most right now with all the sperm donor BS going on!

Random stuff about me

1. I love to talk about myself, it's so easy! And I'm a pretty open and honest person.

2. I'm extremely impatient and I think it's gotten worse since having Kyliana

3. I feel like the SD is the source of most of my depression and anxiety issues, but when my counselor suggested I bring him in to talk I said "no way!" I don't want him to know the effect he has on me because he might get satisfaction out of it.

4. If you asked me 5 years ago I would say there was no chance in the world Vic and I would be in a relationship...ever.

5. As much as I love being an independent person, I think Vic has spoiled me to the point that I don't know if I could make it on my own if anything happened between us. I was not like that before him, I'd never accept help from anybody aside from my mother occasionally or admit I need help...but I just can't afford to live like I do on my own!

6. I love Kyliana the most when she's sleeping because that's when I reflect on the day and realize I take her for granted, or that's when I watch shows with children in them (happy or sad, doesn't matter) and realize she's such a great child.

7. I am one of the laziest people I know. I will sit around and watch tv all weekend and then feel bad about it sunday night because I've wasted my life away when I could be doing something productive. I even hate to get up to pee sometimes!

8. I can't wait to own my own home someday!

9. I never feel like I'm organized enough and every time I move to a new place I vow I will be...but every time I get a new place I have more space to put more stuff in, so it's just a bad cycle.

10. I was extremely depressed when I found out I was pregnant with a girl. But now that Kamaya is here I'm so freakin glad she's not a boy. And now I'm not sure if I still want a boy in the future!

11. I can honestly say I don't have any real friends aside from my online friends. I've never had anybody over to my house except for my parents. And I don't ever have a "girls night". If I'm not out with Vic and/or the girls, I'm by myself. I have never had a lot of friends because I pretty much suck at making them. I've never been fond of girls and a lot of guys aren't your friend after they realize you won't sleep with them.

12. I'm a huge picture whore. I love taking them. I also love showing them to people. And I love taking Ky to get hers done "professionally" and I think it's going to be worse now with two kids. Kyliana had her pics taken at 1 mo, 6 months, halloween (7mos), twice for Christmas (9 mos), Valentines day (11 mos) and her birthday all in her first year. After that PP closed so I didn't get 50% off pro pics. Now I feel guilty because I won't have nearly as many pics of Kami.

13. Sometimes I still get a tiny bit jealous when a guy I really liked in the past is in a very happy relationship with someone else. It always makes me wonder what I did wrong.

14. I love to buy stationary though I rarely use it. I also love to buy gift wrapping supplies though I rarely use that either except for Christmas.

15. I hate to shower. I force myself to do it every other day, but I hate the cold feeling I get when I get out...that and the dry skin thing-especially in the winter.

16. I have been dreading my birthdays since after I turned 21. I felt like there was no more big birthdays that I'd want to celebrate ( like 50 is big, but I don't want to be 50) and I hadn't had a fun birthday in years. So now when my birthday comes around I get a little sad...but I'm only 24 so I know I shouldn't feel like that!

17. I have a pretty low work ethic. I hate working and thought that finding a job at something I want to do would change that...but even now I dread going to internship. I also loved being a photographer but hated all the rules of taking pictures and selling them that I had to follow so I didn't like going to picture people. I wish I didn't have to work but don't think I would have the patience (or structured schedule) to stay at home with Ky and Kamaya all day.

18. I'm not a people person...most people just annoy the hell out of me.

19. I get homesick and always have. I used to be afraid of thunderstorms too and if spending the night at a friends house during a storm, I'd fake illnesses so I could go home. I also would get sad when my mom left me at my grandmother's house for a weekend or a week. Even now I love being around my mom but can't take staying away from home for too long.

20. I wouldn't trade my life for anything...but I miss the days where I was single and child-less. I had spontaneous fun and didn't get stressed out by boyfriends. (not to mention I was happy with my body-entirely). And I wasn't depressed.

21. Vic and I are singing songs from old Nickelodeon shows...TV just ain't the same these days!

22. I have never flown on a plane. And I've hardly traveled at all, though I'd like to.

23. I've also never been drunk. I've tried but I usually fall asleep after two drinks. I'm not sure if that's psychological or what.

24. I seriously think my kid is the smartest, most beautiful 3 year old ever! I know that's part of my job description, but I really do believe it. I don't go anywhere with her without her getting at least one compliment. They're usually about her hair of course ;) And now Kamaya is getting all sorts of compliments...mostly about her hair too!

25. I'm a serial mover...but I just signed a new lease...this is the first time I've stayed somewhere for more than one year!

26. I used to be obsessed with athletic shoes. I'd buy a new pair every month or two. Now I haven't bought a new pair in over a year.

27. I want to lose weight and have a goal weight in mind...but I don't do diets and can't stop eating chocolate and other sweets. I'm really determined to do it, but not confident that I can.

28. When my mom and stepdad first got together I didn't really get along with him...but now I totally regret that. I also hate myself for not letting Kyliana call him "grandpa". I miss him more every day!

29. I'm so ADD! And I can't remember anything!

30. I don't think I'll ever move out of Ohio. I don't LOVE it here, but I can't be any further away from my mom than I am now. I want my grandkids to be closer to their grandma than I was to mine!