Cancer BLOWS!

I just wanted to get that off my chest. I miss Patrick and think about him a lot. My mom and I were chatting on the phone last weekend and she was talking about him and I finally confessed to her that I felt guilty for not letting Kyliana call him grandpa. She said that he didn't really mind being called patrick, but I don't care. It was silly and I was petty :(. And Kamaya never got to meet him. When he found out I was pregnant with Ky he was asking how I thought I was going to be able to take care of her and said I should get an abortion. When I was pregnant with Kami, he said no such thing. He seemed happier than my mom. I know with being sick he probably reevaluated the things that were important and that it was nothing to be mad about. That and he loved Vic.

I have this picture on my desk with my brother, stepsiblings, mom, patrick, grandma and I. Kyliana asks who my grandma is. That makes me sad. My grandma passed away when Ky was 8 months, so she's got no memory. I tell her that her great grandma is in heaven with Patrick.

And my mom had cancer. They found a tumor on her kidney and it was large enough that removing her kidney was the best thing to do. Then they biopsied it and it was malignant. Fortunately it hasn't spread. She goes back every 6 months or so for another year or two before they'll say for sure she's cancer free. Thank the Lord for that at least. I can't lose my mom :(

I just needed to vent a bit as I sit here and look at my picture. I wish Kami could've met Patrick. They would just love each other so much. Kyliana doesn't talk about Patrick a lot, hardly ever. Though one day out of the blue she asked me how Patrick got up to heaven. I told her God came and got him and they flew. So she asked how they flew and I said God had special powers. Then she went on playing. I wonder if he visits her sometimes.

My mom bought a house in Medina and is moving next month. So now she's going through the process of packing all of her and Patrick's stuff. She's had a lot of bad days. July 12th she's renting the Good Times boat and having hundreds of people on it to go out on Lake Erie and spread his ashes. Patrick was a fisherman and that's what he wanted. It's going to be a sad day, I know it. And my mom called one day saying that their fish, Betta Man, died. She was sad and I could hear it in her voice, so I said I was sorry. She said "it was just a fish" and I told her that I know he wasn't JUST a fish and that it meant more to her than just a fish dying. It was her fish she got with Patrick.

BLAH. Go away forever cancer!