Most mom's worry about whether they can love their second child as much as their first, when they're pregnant. I always worried about loving my second child more...why? Because I wouldn't be in the same situation. I knew that if I were to have another child, it'd be with a man I love and wanted to have a child with. Not that I regret having Ky by any means, I just wish it could've been with someone else.
So now Kami's here, and how am I feeling you ask? Well I don't know. I feel like things are so different now. Back when Ky was born I was young, single and not prepared. It wasn't hard leaving her at daycare. She was a good baby so she let me do what I wanted and she just slept or hung out. I regret not feeling a connection to her when she was born. I regret not holding her more. So what I do know that I'm feeling is guilt. I hold Kamaya a lot more and I was in love with her the second I saw her. I regret being upset that she is a she haha. But every time I catch myself enjoying making her smile and hearing her coo I feel guilty for not doing that more with Ky. Don't get me wrong, I love Ky and did when she was a baby, I just didn't realize how fast she would grow up. Now she's a 3 year old and has a habit of pushing my buttons. Kamaya needs me for everything and I understand that. Maybe I'm expecting Ky to be TOO independent for her age? I don't know. Ky did something for me that Kami won't...Ky motivated me to graduate and move on to pursue my master's.
Either way, I love both my girls and I'm so blessed to have them in my life. They are some of the greatest things that have ever happened to me.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
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1 comments:
I don't blame you or judge you or anything at all.
I DON'T have any kids yet, but I can totally understand what you are saying.
You're not saying you wish you hadn't had her, but the circumstances around it, probably had they been different, it would have changed the entire experience for you. It came at a bad time/situation, and you were never allowed to enjoy it fully the way we are meant to. NO ONE can fault you for that. Try not to let the guilt bother you, and just look to the future to move on. Ky will always understand that deep down you have always loved her in the best ways that you could at the time, and everything and anything you did OR didn't do, was just to create the best possible life for yourself and her. You can't beat yourself up. You've always just done the best that you could at the time. And that's enough.
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