Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Isn't it so funny how so many people are not open or don't do well with change, yet we are ever-changing? Some changes happen rather quickly, others are so gradual that we hardly notice them. Hopefully those changes are positive ones most of the time, but we all know that there's negative ones too.

Other people change on us. Like when you first start dating someone and they do all sorts of things....then once you start getting comfortable with them, they stop cleaning, or cooking, or whatever it may be. And then you're supposed to pick up their slack.

Or you change yourself. I hate cooking, but when it was just me I was the only one who would/could cook. But now that I'm in a relationship with a man who likes to cook, why should I do it? I don't like to, only do it when I absolutely have to. And my body image and self esteem have changed. Granted no matter what most women's bodies change after having a baby. I put on a bit of weight after having Ky, but I still had confidence in myself and I still wore bikinis. But now that I've had another child who made my stomach look like a roadmap with all the stretchmarks she gave me...well my bikini days are over. I feel ashamed when I look at myself in the mirror. I criticize everything about myself. But before kids I was so happy with my body. It feels like no matter what I do I'll never have that confidence back. I'm working on it, but it takes FOREVER to lose weight! And even when I hit my goal, I'm sure I won't be happy and will want to lose more. I've become self conscious of everything! I try to cover up everything. I hate wearing tank tops because my arms are too fat. I won't wear shorts unless they're bermuda-style because my thighs have exploded. Shirts need to be long enough so that they won't ride up and show off my love handles, belly pooch or back fat. I can hardly bear to show off my calves because even they have cellulite on them. I love my kids, but they really didn't have to do this to my body!!!

The things that you plan for your life change. 2 years ago I planned to start and finish my Master's program by December 2008. Ok, well things got bumped back and then bumped again. And at this point, less than 300 internship hours away (and tens of thousands of dollars in loans) I'm not even sure that's what I want to do with my life. I hardly find any enjoyment in it. Don't get me wrong, it'd be a great gig...but I had some bad experiences last semester and I'm so over it. It's all taking more energy and time that I had ever planned. And I watched people who could use a lot of work, but had the same internship supervisors as me yet none of the problems they gave me, graduate without a hitch. WTF is that about. Yes, I'm jealous. Why do I feel like this shit only happens to me?! Well, yeah depression, but still! Anywho, if I could choose, I'd not even work at all....which brings me to my next topic. When Vic and I first started dating the plan was that he'd be a physician's assistant and I'd stay at home. We'd perhaps open me a little photo studio, but I'd otherwise care for the children that we'd have. Then his plans about the PA thing didn't work out. Now he's almost done with school to be a respiratory therapist. So I get that things didn't work out for him, but now I have to change my life plan too because I won't be able to be a SAHM. Not.Cool. I will be earning more money with having holidays, weekends and the whole summer off. Granted I'll have a Masters and he a Bachelors, but it seems we will certainly live more comfortably with my income in addition to his. Hopefully someone gives me a big box of joy for my birthday or something.

Speaking of Vic...if you would have asked me 3.5 years ago if I would ever date him, I would have said no. Now look at us...going on 3 years together and a baby! Funny how things change. What else has changed? 5 months ago I would have told you I don't plan on getting married anytime soon and I was fine with just being in a relationship. Now, we've ring shopped and my mind is on marriage. That was a mighty quick change of opinion huh?!